Friday, January 4, 2019

Day 4: we sweat

AND WE'RE BACK HOME, YOUGUYS. This means most posts moving forward will involve a regretful amount of chat about household chores and home repair. THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING.

Today I've had the joy of fixing our boiler's dubious network connection so we can actually control our heating system - EFF YOU VAILLANT AND YOUR 'SMART APP', which broke down last week while we were away, leaving our boiler blasting full heat in an empty house and rendering us powerless to turn it down remotely, the ONE FEATURE we purchased this for - followed by a load of laundry, catching up on emails, booking a flight to NYC with a couple of girlfriends, and feeding my starter, the only living thing I'll likely ever be responsible for. I care for it with a level of affection that should probably go towards a human, but I've only got so much to give and it's so RESPONSIVE.

This afternoon I'm going to visit a friend who's recovering from a surgery, but this is not an activity I've done for the first time so it doesn't count toward Tryanaury (unless I can get some juicy details; 'juicy' and 'surgery' are always words one wants to hear together). So I guess . . . I'm going to have to do what I didn't want to, the last-ditch back-up activity on my ideas list*: the workout on my 7-Minute Workout app that looks the most ridiculous:

I'd film it for you, but NO WAY IN HECK EVER. Physical activity may become a theme throughout the month: as someone who categorically does not, will not, workout, there are a LOT of firsts for me in this realm. I can't run farther than the nearest bus stop - and that only when a bus is on my heels - I don't have the mental stamina for yoga, and I have never, ever given my booty thirteen minutes of attention.

Alright. Here goes nothing.

. . . . . .

Review: Well, it turns out my butt was more than happy being ignored and has not appreciated today's TLC in the SLIGHTEST. This one will not be happening again; lo siento, mis gluteus. Also, it has to be said: what few of these workouts I've done so far seem pretty butt-centric. This app is OBSESSED with my posterior. It's like a team of Brazilians is in charge. Basic all-round beginner workout? Here are ten different kinds of squats! Want to stretch your back? First start with the HIPS. Looking for beach-ready abs? Frog jump! Now! (LOL j/k I've never done the ab workout, I'm making this one up. BUT I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.)

Ooooh, I've got leftover jalapeño poppers from our pizza order last night, that will be the perfect post-workout snack . . .

Ahhh, balance restored.

I was going to walk to my friend's, but that seems unnecessary now. Though I WILL walk as far as the vegan burger place and pick up some mac n cheese . . . for her, of course.

*Please feel free to throw out any ideas for content this month. I'm desperate. My butt is desperate. Sedentary suggestions ideal, but 'tis the month for self-punishment, and beggars can't be choosers, so will hear anything you've got.

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